The Ants Go Marching...

... 1 by 1...

..hurrah, hurrah

The ants go marching 1 by 1,

HURRAH! HURRAH!

The ants go marching 1 by 1,

the little one stops to suck his thumb,

and they all go marching

..out

...of the drain

...to get into the house

boom, boom, boom, boom!

boom, boom, boom, boom!

The Ants go marching 1,290,806 by 1,290,806

hurrah, hurrah

The ants go marching 1,290,806 by 1,290,806

HURRAH! HURRAH!

The ants go marching 1,290,806 by 1,290,806

the little one stops to pick up sticks

and they all go marching

..out

...of the drain

...to get into the house

Yes, we were indeed invaded by ants. And not just a few scavenger ants. No, we got the "swarmer" ants too. The giant, scary, huge, ants, with wings, and swarm out of the bathroom vent every night and then die. We find there carcasses littered around the bathroom every morning.

Disgusting.

I was so disgusted that I planned my potty breaks to coincide with shopping, work, church functions, anything so that I could avoid going into the bathroom. The pictures do not do it justice...but I was too afraid to get any closer to take pictures, and there is no zoom on my cell phone.

We tried all the home remedies and commercially available ant traps for all kinds of ants. Finally I convinced Mark to let me call the land lord. Our land lord called the bug people and they sent the bug guy out the next day. I love calling the land lord!

The ants were gone within 3 days, and I could once again go potty in peace.

My Mom and Sister

We had been keeping our families updated, and my mom said, "you let me know when you want me to come, and I will be on my way".

I am so grateful for my Mom. I felt bad asking her to come, but it meant so, so much to have her here. Mark was really glad she came too. It was a huge relief and wonderful to have people here with us.

My mom stopped in Texas on her way to Indiana, and my sister Kiora and her two kids chio and alex came to visit us also.

I can't stress enough how much of a comfort it was to have them here. My Mom and sister were heaven sent.

I felt really spoiled. It is always a strange mix of emotions when there is a death in the family, because it is so nice to see everyone, but it is sad the reason that they came, you know? We were really glad that the kids came along also. Mark really liked playing on the wii with alex. Chio and I painted fingernails together. It was so, so nice.

I was totally surprised at how much I hurt. It was very strange. I had just had a baby...but I didn't have my baby. It seemed like I should be able to do things like normal. Not the case. I really, really loved the pain pills they gave me. I hadn't taken any at the hospital, so I filled the perscription they gave me but I didn't take the pills at first. Then we went shopping on the way home from the hospital and I went in with Mark and walked around...big mistake. I started hurting bad and didn't think I could make it to the front of the store again. It was really funny. I seriously contemplated asking Mark to get me one of the mechanized carts they have at the front of the store. I was like,"uh...Mark? I think we're gonna have to hang out here by the milk for a while...I can't move. I think my guts are dying" My mom said it was most likely from being bed ridden for over a week. It was really, really strange.

My mom made delicious and wonderful food for us. So, so wonderful to have my mom cook for us. I have said before, but I will say it again: my mom's food has magical properties. She even cooked lots of food for us to put in the freezer so we didn't starve when she left. I have the best family in the world, I don't know how I got so lucky. They washed the dishes, they did laundry, and they were both patient while our pluming went nuts.

Oh, the plumbing. Mark and I thought it was funny, but only because we were not there when water started shooting out of the toilet when the washing machine went into the spin cycle. And apparently, we have ants that live in our heating vents, and when the water dripped down into the heating vents in our bathroom floor, it angered the masses of ants who then started coming out in droves. I came home and was like, "uh...why is there a ring of towels in the bathroom, where did all these ants come from....and why is everyone taking a nap?" It was a pretty exciting afternoon I take it. We had left to go to the funeral home and take care of some details. Luckily, our land lord is awesome and someone came and fixed the plumbing right away. We only had to strategically plan grocery store trips to use the restroom for one day!

One of the things that I will cherish forever is the scrap book they made of the photos taken of Jaden at the hospital. I wrote the words to put on the pages, and picked out the pictures, and they put everything together. We stayed up late one night and talked and glued and cut. My sister Iwalani participated via skype. It was very theraputic, and I love love love to look through the book they made.

Thank you so much for the time you took to stay with Mark and me. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I know it was a huge sacrifice and it must have been tiring, but it meant so much to Mark and I. Thank you, thank you, thank you. A million million and forever. :-)

The Memorial Service

We had a memorial service for Jaden on Friday, January 21, 2011 at the Tippecanoe Memory Gardens. The funeral home and cemetery were extremely generous and helpful in providing a way for us to bury our son. It was really important to us to have a place for his remains to be laid to rest, and there were so many people who helped us through that process.

I was worried that people would be sad if they came to the service, but my mom told me that it was part of the grief process, and it was better to let people know about it so they could make the decision to come or not on their own. I really didn't think that very many people would come, since it was on a Friday afternoon, and I knew people had to work, but I thought my mom was right.

We brought a few things to set up for the memorial service so that people could see how handsome our little boy is!:

There were beautiful flowers in the memorial center when we arrived, and at first I was really confused. We didn't know what to do with them and thought that they were there for someone else, but the cards on them said they were for us. They were so pretty. One of them was sent from my professor Dr. Allain.

About 20 minutes before it was supposed to start, people started coming. And coming. And coming. I was completely overwhelmed by how many people came to the service.

So many people came, family and friends, that there was not enough room in the small chapel at the cemetery. It made me cry so much to see all the people there (I had determined that I was going to be brave and not cry...that lasted about 5 minutes). Marks parents came. His aunts and uncles and cousins came. My mom and sisters came. Both of Mark's advisers came. Several of his lab mates came. My adviser, and several of my lab mates came. Kelly drove up from Lebanon. Alisha and Jeff drove up from around Indy. Rick mark's friend from Chicago came. Most all of the members of our branch came. Brother and sister Boss came. Amanda and Brian came. Chase and Joni came, the list goes on and on, I was so overwhelmed by how many people were there I was embarrassed all over again.

Amanda called that morning and asked if there was anything she could do to help, and I asked her if she would play a song on the violin for us. I hadn't really thought about it, but when she called and asked, that sounded like the best thing in the world. She also offered to bring her keyboard and play music while we sang the opening song, "He sent His son". I could sit and listen to Amanda play on the violin for days. She is incredibly gifted. The song she played was one she had composed for her Grandfathers funeral. It is a melody of gospel hymns, and it lifted my heart.

Later, Brian told me that when he walked into the chapel that morning, he felt like he was walking into the celestial room. He said the people whispering, the spirit of peace there...it was just like being in the temple. He said he was really glad that Jaden could do that for us. I was so touched to hear him say that.

Mark asked Preside Low to conduct the service, and we asked him to read a few words we had written and then say anything else that he felt like. Brother Boss gave the opening prayer. I wanted to share the memorial we wrote for Jaden.

"Jaden Pfeil

The journey through life of all children rarely takes the course their parents expect. With our Jaden, while the duration was not what we had anticipated, its destination is all we could have hoped for. We have not lost our son; we know where he can be found. He has been called home to Heaven.

Jaden was a brave baby. What a wonderful mission he had as an older brother. He came to earth and made it possible for future brothers and sisters to have a better chance at living.

His body was perfect, and his heart was strong. He has 10 tiny fingers, and 10 perfect toes. He had a vigor uncommon in babies so small; he was his daddies little boy. He loved his mommy, and did his best to comfort her with his sweet kicks and beautiful heartbeats.

While his body may have been small, his spirit was big enough to fill our hearts. We held him in our arms for a few hours, but we will carry him in our hearts always. He has been a highlight in our lives. We love him, we miss him like crazy, he will always be our precious little Jaden .

We chose the name Jaden for our little boy because of its meaning: God is Listening.

Our Heavenly Father loves little children, watches over them, and cares for them. When they return to him, it is for a special purpose that we may not understand. And while we feel the loss of the time we wished to spend with him, we do not doubt that God listened to our prayers, and the prayers offered on our behalf, for a special little boy.

God continues to listen and answer us with the comfort and hope that comes from a Loving Heavenly Father who knows the pain of losing a first born child, as he lost his son so that all children could live again. What comfort there is to know that “…the grave hath no victory, and the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ.” (Mosiah 16:8).

Because of Christ’s atonement, we do not feel death’s sting in Jaden’s passing. Yes, our hearts ache as we long to hold our baby and grieve for the future we had envisioned with him, but we do not despair. We know we will see him again. We know that through his birth, our family has still gained a son.

We rejoice in the temple covenants that seal us as a family and can allow us to be with Jaden again. We rejoice in Christ’s victory over death that will allow Jaden to have a perfected body. We rejoice in the time we did get to spend with him, and look forward to the day when we can hold him again. "

After that, President Low talked about the resurrection and the life and mission of Christ, and how what he did takes away the pain and sting of death. After that we went to Jaden's grave side for the dedication of his grave, offered by Mark's dad. After that, we said goodbye to everyone and had lots of more hugs. After most people went home, a group of family stayed for his enterment.

We invited Marks familyand Mark's friend Rick to come back to our house for lunch. My wonderful and amazing mom and sister made pot roast and salad and cake for us to eat. We spent the rest of the afternoon with family.

I was a really hard day, but a beautiful one. The sun was shinning. I think Jaden would have liked that. I know I did! The days before and the days after were all snowy and drissly...but that day, we saw the sun.

Here is a pitcture of the headstone we picked out for Jaden!

I think he would have liked the puppy and the tree too :-)

Mourn with those who mourn, and comfort those who stand in need of comfort

The wonderful counselor at the hospital explained the mourning process to me like this: "When you lose a child, you mourn their future". Those words really made sense. It was ok that we felt sad, and we could feel sad for however long was right for us.

I am so grateful to the people in my life who mourned with us, prayed for us, and comforted us when we needed it. All the visits, all the dinners, all the notes, and flowers, and emails. To all of you...thank you. I don't know if you can ever comprehend how much it meant to us.

Every time we got a call, or a visit, or an email, or a letter in the mail, or beautiful flowers, I was overwhelmed by tenderness and compassion. I read and re-read all the cards and emails. I cried a lot. I stuck everything I could in an album, and over the months after we lost Jaden, I would look over them and be touched all over again.

The Connolly family, who had lost two children, stopped by and brought us some wonderful books that I recommend to anyone who has lost a child. My favorite is "Angel Children" by Mary J. Hill. They came over several times, and would let me show them his pictures, and talk about him. Sister Leaming also came over, and let me show her his pictures, and she made me feel so loved. My wonderful friend Amanda came over, talked to me on the phone, and brought me hot chocolate. She would just let me tell her about Jaden, cry when I needed to, and just be a wonderful friend. What an amazing support system of family and friends Mark and I have been blessed with.

For me, it was really healing to tell people about Jaden. He was important to me, and even though he passed away, I really wanted people to know him as much as they could. Mark grieved differently, and mostly in private. I remember many times we would just hug each other, and cry. Mark is not too much of a crier though...but don't worry, I compensated in those cry sessions :-) I'm helpful like that.

We are so, so blessed with so many wonderful people in our lives who reached out to us and supported us. Especially my mother and sister, who came out and spent a few weeks with us and were there for Jadens memorial service.

I could go on for pages and pages with account and examples of service of those who went out of their way to help us.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Our Stay in the Hospital

We stayed for a little over a week in the IU hospital, surrounded by the most wonderful and supportive doctors and nurses and staff. There was such a difference between people who deal with high risk pregnancies, and people who deal with normal pregnancies. I really appreciated how they told me things without sugar coating it. They answered my questions honestly and openly. My favorite nurse was named Betsy. I also really liked Kim and Ashleigh. My wonderful nurses helped turn my hospital room into a haven. From the moment I went into the IU room, I felt a warmth and safety that gave me strength and hope.

When I think of my time in the hospital, I will always think of my nurses who helped make something that could have been the worst experience of my life thus far, into a peaceful and loving experience. They were so great. And when it was time for Jaden to come to their earth, they were so thoughtful, and helped Mark and I make memories with him that we can cherish always.

They showered us with keepsakes we could take with us: feet prints, hand prints, plaster molds of his little hands and feet, a box to keep his ultrasounds and heart beat profiles in, pictures of the time we got to spend with him in the hospital, and many many more things. It was so, so great to have something tangible to remember him.

The only way I can think to explain it is through this story: my first roommate in college wanted to be a doctor. She volunteered at the university hospital, and over the course of that first semester, she decided that she wanted to be a nurse instead. I asked her why, and she told me "nurses help people. doctors help patients."

I didn't really understand what she meant until I had to stay in the hospital myself. I really appreciated my nurses for helping me as a person.

Here are some pictures of the things they sent home with us:

I am so grateful for the people who made all these things and gave them to the hospital to help out families in hard situations. The little clothes and blanket that Jaden got to wear were hand made by volunteers. What a difference it made to have something to dress our son in, to keep him warm with. We had felt so helpless, our son was coming, and naturally we didn't have anything he could wear. What a difference it made to have something he could wear, something that fit him, something we could wrap him in and keep him warm while we held him in our arms for the few hours we were able to spend with him on earth. How HUGE a thing it was for us. I wonder if those volunteers ever will know how much it meant. Maybe it's just me, but there have been several times when I have participated in making things to take to hospitals and shelters and at the time, I always thought, "what is a little blanket going to do? Really?" Now, I know. Oh how I know, I know, I know. It makes a difference. It makes a huge difference.

When we went to the hospital, we came empty. When we left, we were full. Full of joy, full of sadness, full of appreciation, full of love, and full of humility. It was a complicated mix of emotions, but I would not trade it for anything.

Sweet Baby Jaden, January 17, 2011

I wrote this email the evening of January 17, and sent it to our family and friends whom we had told we were expecting. Most of our friends who live out of town we were waiting to tell we were expecting until we had found out the gender. Under the circumstances, we never had the chance to tell them since the day we had our first ultrasound was the day we were admitted to the hospital.

""To our loved ones, family, and friends,

Thank you all for your love, support, prayers, and thoughts. Jaden Pfeil was born at 4:08 am on Monday January 17th, 2011 at the Indiana University Hospital. He weighed 13.6 oz and was 10.5 inches long. He had a good, strong heart, but because his lungs were so underdeveloped and his body was too small to permit treatment, he passed away after miraculously spending 3 hours with us. Because I have a weak cervix, I could not carry him full term. However, his birth alerted us all to this condition and he has made it possible for future brothers and sisters to come to earth safely. We are so blessed to have such a brave, special child and to have spent so much time with him while he was on earth. He was a very, very brave baby.

While in the womb, Jaden liked to kick and tease mommy (with daddy egging him on), his favorite food was crunchy tacos and he hated milk chocolate. Whenever mommy would have a hard day and cry, he would kick a lot :o) which always made her feel better. Even in the hospital, under very difficult times, he would keep kicking to let us know he was still fighting. He even liked to kick the ultrasound monitor! :o) Jaden helped me keep up the courage and strength to help him grow a little bigger and stronger everyday until it was time for him to come out. He was still a fighter after his birth, and could move around a little. The doctors told us that he was perfect, and in great health, he was just too small to live on his own.

He was born under the covenant, and we have faith that if we keep the covenants we have made, we will have the chance to be an eternal family and see Jaden again.
He was a fighter, a sweetheart, and our precious little boy. We are very luck to be his parents.

Thank you all so much, and may God bless.

Love,

Mark, Teandra and Jaden."

Jaden had fulfilled his mortal mission, was born, and returned to heaven soon after. He was able to receive "the crown without the conflict". How humbled and proud we are to be blessed with such a wonderful son. The time we spent with him in the hospital was precious. There was a sweet spirit there, and I know that were more people in the room than just Mark, his parent, Jaden and me. The veil was a little thinner that day.

The nurses said that Jaden had passed away after an hour, but Mark felt that he was still alive and kept asking them to check to be sure, and they took him away to clean him up. A few minutes later Ashleigh rushed back super flustered and said after she washed him, she saw that he was still alive so she rushed him back to spend more time with us. He lived for two more hours before he passed on, and Mark's mom said she could feel him leave.

I am so glad that we could spend so much time with him. I am glad that Mark and I were able to be together alone for most of the day, and say goodbye.

Jaden's mortal experience was different from what I was expecting it to be, but it was right for him. And it was right for us. I know Jaden needed a body. He needed to have parents. I am so glad that we could do that for him, and that we will have a chance to raise him, if we are faithful, some day in the future.

And what a handsome little guy he is!

The Trip to Indy

The next morning, the Drs checked me out, told me that not much had changed over the night, and there were basically two options ahead of us:

1) There was a possibility that they could do a procedure to stitch the cervix more closed and help the baby go full term. It was extreemly risky, and the Drs there would not be willing to do it. We could go to Indy, to the IU high risk Drs, and have them make a decision since they deal with high risk pregnancies like this all the time.

or

2) We could go home, accept that this pregnancy was over, and let the baby come when he would.

The Drs left us alone so we could talk about it and make a decision. Mark and I talked about it, prayed about it, and we both felt like it was the best thing to do to try everything we could for our baby.

So! The transfer arrangements were made, an ambulance was called, and off I went to the IU hospital. Mark drove separately, and I was really, really scared to go by myself. When they lifted me onto the stretcher thing and started to wheel me to the back of the car, I thought I was doing good to stay calm. After I said good bye to Mark though...I was less brave. They slamed the doors closed, and as we pulled out onto I-65, I started to hyperventilate.

Oh Great, I thought, just what I needed, a panic attack. Must stay calm, must stay calm. Staaaaaay caaaaaaalm....

It is easier said than done though. Despite my best intentions at yoga breathing, it was not working. To make matters worse, there was a person in the back of the ambulance with me, so in addition to freaked out, uncomfortable, and scared, I was (irrationally) embarrassed. It was a pretty complicated mix of emotions.

Finally, in an effort to remain calm I tried to think of the words of hymns. The only problem was I could not get through a single verse of any hymn or primary song, and I tried 5 or 6 before giving up. I could get about 8 words in before going blank, and not even remembering the tune. After that, I was even more freaked out because, in addition to everything else, I was losing my mind. Then I thought of a mix of scriptures (I was a little panicked, so nothing was a direct quote) along the lines of that this experience would be for my good, and that God would not ask me to do something without His help. That helped me to calm down, and then then I remembered the words of the blessing extremely clear:

You will be able to carry this baby as long as needed.

I clung to that thought. I could carry this baby as long as needed. As long as needed. Whatever that time frame was, I trusted God, and I knew I could do it. If he needed to come now, then he could; if not, then we would both fight through this for as long as we needed. I repeated that phrase to myself over and over and over, You can carry this baby as long as needed, you can carry this baby as long as needed. I felt peace flood through me. You can carry this baby as long as needed.

I fell asleep with those words on my mind.

When we got to Indy, they took me on a stretcher to my room. Dr. G came in, and he had me explain to him what happened. They brought in an ultrasound monitor, checked out the baby, and he examined me. Then he explained the situation to me and Mark.

There was too much liquid out of the uterus for him to do the surgery. If they tried to push them back in, there is a chance that they could break, and that would induce labor and we would lose the baby for sure. The best thing was to wait it out, and see what happened.

He told me that he had had ladies in my condition stay like this until they were full term. Others went a few weeks, and others a few days. There was really no way to tell. We were content with waiting it out, and seeing what happened.

Mark emailed my professor Dr. Allain and told him what happened. He also emailed his adviser's and teachers (this was the first day of the spring semester) and explained the situation to them. Everyone was extremely supportive and said that the most important thing was for him to be with me and his son in the hospital. He could work from there, watch his lecture on line, and scan and submit his homework on line.

Mark was able to stay with me and work from the hospital room. Oh how glad I was that mark could stay with me!

So! We had officially set up camp in the IU hospital. It was a great place to be. I nurses and staff were incredible. I was pretty comfortable, Mark was comfortable, and we were in a holding pattern to see what would happen with our sweet little boy!

First Night at the Hospital

I had a very important experience in the hospital that first night. It was a difficult and humbling experience, but it provided a basis from which to grow. It was the beginning of a string of experiences I would have during my stay in the hospital that deepened my understanding of what a mothers love is. It also opened my eyes to what death and loss and mourning are, to what the purpose of the comforter is, to how precious our temple covenants are, and to what a glorious knowledge the plan of salvation truly is.

The first night at the hospital was physically and emotionally the hardest. Physically, of course I hurt (I will spare you the details). Emotionally, I also hurt: the day before, everything seemed so fine, so safe. Mark and I were expecting parents, then sudenly we were...something else, but what I wasn't sure. It was all so new and it had happened so fast.

I remember in what seemed like the darkest, hardest part of the night, when I was so physically and emotional tired, and drained, and weary, I asked God:

If we are supposed to lose the baby... could he please come soon so I can be spared all this pain?

Then, I felt Jaden kick.

As I realized the implications of what I had just asked for, I recoiled in shock and guilt. I started to cry all over again. This time, it was for my own selfishness, not because I was scared.

Ask that my baby die so that I could have a few more days of comfort?! What the heck kind of person am I?!

It was the most selfish thing I could possibly have wanted. After I thought about it like that, I didn't care how much I hurt. I realized just how much I loved that baby. I knew, without a doubt, that I would go through any amount of pain, if that is what it took to keep him alive. In fact, it didn't really matter if he was going to make it or not.

He was my son. I was going to fight it out for him, whatever the outcome.

From that moment on, my pain seemed less. It is incredible how much will and perspective can change a situation, especially when pain is involved. My perspective changed from when will this end? to I am doing this for my Jaden. I think it was also a blessing of the spirit in response to my change in faith and attitude. I felt peace and calmness flood through me. I put my hand on my tummy, and felt Jaden kick again. This time, I smiled.

Hang in there little guy, I thought to him, your mommy is here for you.

For the rest of the night, I slept as much as I could, and when I got scared, I put my hand on my belly and felt for Jaden's kicks. If he was fighting, so could I. He needed me, and I was the only person who could help him through this.

As I look back, I think maybe I needed to spend time in the hospital more than Jaden needed to. I treasure the time I had there, so very, very much. That may sound bad, and it may be hard for people to understand. It's not that I would have picked to have been there; its more that if I needed to go through this, there was nothing possible that could have happened better. My experience was filled to overflowing with tender mercies. It confirmed to me once again that my Heavenly Father loves me. And more than that, he knows me. He knows my weaknesses and my insecurities. He knew what would be hardest for me, and over and over again He provided for me in a tender and loving way. He knew that I would need time to think, and adjust, and learn, and grow. He knew I needed to spend quite time with Jaden in the hospital. He knew I neeed to be there with Doctors for when I had questions, to not have any regrests that we had done all we could. He knew I needed time to really think and reflect on what it meant to be a mother. My time in the hosptial was about Jaden. His mortal experience was different than what I thought it was going to be, but most of the time motherhood isnt about what is best for the mom; its about sacrifice, and doing what is best for the child, even when it is hard. I needed to think through that, to enjoy what I could for what it was. Yes, it was a special, sacred experience. Jaden needed parents. He needed a body and to come to earth.  I am eternally grateful to be his mother. I look forward to when I can get to know him, to hug him, to hold him.  I look forward to the resurection when Jaden will be called forth from the grave. I want to live in such a way that I can be there for that. I can't help thinking about Jaden now without thinking about Easter and the incredible gift that our Savior has provided for us.

Finding out there was a problem

A few days after the nesting madness came to a peak, I went in to work to help Dr. Allain grade final reports and process grades to submit for the end of the semester.

After I finished, I was working on a few things for my project (looking into ordering pieces for the magnetron deposition chamber I was designing), but I just didn't feel right. My guts felt strange, and finally I asked if I could go home. Dr. Allain said of course I could go home, and he suggested that I call my Dr.

I went home, and I called the Dr office, but all the nurses were out. Since I had seen my Dr. the day before and told her that my guts were feeling weird and she said not to worry about it, the receptionist said that most likely things were fine, but that I could call back when the nurses came back from lunch. I didn't call back.

I didn't really feel better the next day, or the day after. On Monday night, I started spotting a little. It was still within what the Dr. said was ok, but I just felt like I needed to call the dr. right then. I called the Dr, and the office set up an appointment for me to go have my first ultrasound moved up from later that week on thursday to the next morning on tuesday.

The receptionist told me to go to the appointment with a full baldder, so by-golly I drank 3 full sized glasses of water and we drove to the appointment. That was a very bad idea. Since we were an emergency appointment, we had to wait for 2 hours to see the technitian...and my bladder suffered the whole time. I could not sit down I had to pee so bad. At last they called us to go back, and they started the ultrasound.

Keep in mind that the poor ultrasound technicians are not allowed to tell you anything when you go in to your appointment, you have to wait for anything official to come from a Dr or a nurse. Our technician was really nice, and pointed out to us things like the heart and the head and that we were having a boy (yay!) and to us, everything seemed fine and dandy. After a while, she said that I could go to the bathroom. Overjoyed to get to go potty, I went to the bathroom. That was when I first became aware that something was really, really wrong. I walked slowly back to the ultrasound room, found the technician, and explained to her as best I could what had happened.

She was not allowed to say anything to me, so she sat me down on a chair in the hallway to wait while she called the Drs office and let a nurse explain the situation to me. So that was what I did. I sat in the chair, confused, held the phone with trembling hands, and listened while the nurse explained. I was fully dilated and I needed to go to the hospital immediately.

It is very strange when you get news like that. I am so glad Mark was there with me. I was scared, and I was confused. We headed to the hospital. As we drove, I clutched the printouts of the ultrasound that the nurse gave me, gazed at the beautiful profile of the miracle that was growing inside of me, and cried. Mark held my hand and smiled, "I'm so proud of you," he told me, "you're doing a great job, and it'll be ok." I smiled back as best I could, and dried my tears. "You can be brave!" he said, "you can be brave for our little boy". Basically, I married the most wonderful, supportive, optimistic man in the world. I love him with all my heart, and I can't imagine life without him.

It was slow going as we drove to the hospital. We were having a terrible winter storm that day so the roads were miserable. It was snowy and freezing rain-y and more snowy so visibility was poor and it was a slippery mess. Not only is Mark a wonderfully supportive husband, he has nerves of steel. During that ride to the hospital, Mark continued to smiled and tell me over and over that he loved me, that I was doing a great job, and that he was proud of me. I told him that I was scared, but that I would do my best to be brave. Besides, getting upset would only make whatever was happening worse.

"Good thing I am wearing my grown up jewelry" I told him. :-) We laughed.

See, I have a beautiful necklace that I purchased at a jewelry party my wonderful friend Amanda Baer had. It was a big deal to me that Mark said I could get whatever piece of jewelry I wanted at the party, so it was a momentous occasion. We are poor college kids, so this was the most expensive piece of jewelry I have ever purchased (which means it was more than $5, so the ceiling was pretty low). I completely love this necklace. I tell you this now, only so you understand what I mean by "my grown up jewelry". The beautiful necklace I purchased was dubbed my grown up jewelry, and I only wore it on special occasions. Since I felt like I needed some extra help to be brave when I went to the ultrasound that morning, around my neck the grow-up jewelry went to buoy my bravery. :-) I could be a big girl. I could be brave. I had on grown up jewelry. :-)

When we got to the hospital, we walked carefully up, got put into a wheelchair by the nurses, and were admitted. My regular Dr. happened to be the Dr on call that day, and she came and checked me out. Then she explained the situation we were facing.

I had a weak cervix, and the weight of the baby had caused it to thin and dilate early. The membranes that keep the baby inside in its liquid was starting to come out, and over 50% of the liquid volume was outside of the uterus. The baby was still in the womb, he was still doing fine, but things were not good. She told me that people from the NICU were going to come over and explain to me about premature babies.

When the NICU nurses came, they explained to us the weight limitations for helping preemie babies. If the babies are too little, the tubes would not fit insides of them. Jaden was 2 weeks before the developmental stage where he could live outside the womb, and if he came now, there was no chance that he could live on his own, and they would not be able to help him. If he could stay inside for 2 more weeks and then be born, there was a 5% chance that he could live a normal life, but most likely he would have some kind of developmental problems.

Its staggering when you hear news like this. The two weeks they talked about seemed like an eternity, and even then it was going to be an uphill battle for out little guy, possibly for the rest of his life.

While we waited in the hospital while senior drs came and examined me and conferred with my normal dr, Mark called around to friends of ours to see if anyone was able to come and give me a blessing. I am so glad that Trevor, a friend of Marks from work, was able to leave work, brave the terrible weather, drive down to the hospital on the other side of town, and help mark give me a blessing.

Oh, that blessing. It was my beacon of comfort so many times during my stay at the hospital. I am so grateful for worthy priesthood holders who are able to give blessings of counsel, comfort, and healing. The parts that gave me the most comfort were 1) that I was not to have guilt, 2) that I had done nothing to cause this, and 3) that I would be able to carry the baby for as long as needed.

Later during our stay at the hospital, the Drs confirmed several times that nothing I had done had caused this to happen. They stressed over and over that I shouldn't start thinking, "if only I had not gone on a walk," or "what if I had just sat around instead of cleaning the past few weeks?" It was relieving to hear them say this, just like it was relieving to hear what I had been told in the blessing, because I had a surprising amount of guilt. Guilt for not 'being a better mother', for not being able to keep the baby full term, or something along those lines.

Irrational guilt, yes, but strong guilt nonetheless.

The Drs said we could stay the night and they would reevaluate the situation in the morning. They tipped me back and had me lie flat with my head low and my feet up. While we waited out the evening until it was late enough to try going to bed, Mark and I looked on the internet to find a name for our son. I asked that he look at the names with significant meanings. We looked at lots and lots of names, and the one I loved the moment I heard it was Jaden, which means "Jehovah has heard", or (according to several websites), "God is listening."

Jaden Pfeil. Our son. God is listening, and our baby boy is in His hands.

I knew that God had heard our prayers to have children. I knew that Jaden was our answer. I knew I had received a blessing of the priesthood for the healing of the sick. Whatever happened, I felt that everything was going to be ok.

'Ok' in my mind, did not mean that Jaden had to live.

'Ok', to me, meant that God's will would be done, and whatever it was, that was what I wanted to happen.

After a while, Mark and I said our evening prayers together, read together, and Mark got the couch ready for him to sleep on. Oh, how I love my husband.

Nesting and mess making

So! You may have noticed an increase in the posts around here recently about decorating and/or cleaning the house. I was trying to get the house all organized and in shape before we had our baby. I was pretty determined, and even printed off all the baby steps from Fly Lady, and taped them to the back of my bathroom door, totally and completely gearing up for post graduation, pre-baby having, good habit forming boot camp.

See, Mark is naturally a very organized and neat person. And I, on the other hand...am not.

But! I know how much he likes to have things clean, so I really try to make things nice for him so he feels comfortable. So! That was the plan: Make. Good. Habits.

The other focus was on not volunteering myself to do too many things. See, I would also say that I am a creative person, and periodically I need to make something or I will explode. But, when I get into one of those creative moods...somehow (I am not quite sure) the house is destroyed in the process. And every time I am surprised (that's the part Mark thinks is hilarious). I will look around at the aftermath and ask in disbelief "what was I thinking?!" Mark will just laugh, shake his head, and shrug. I am daily surprised at how lucky I am to be married to Mark. When a man can go to sleep with the house looking great, then wake up with the house looking some-what-less-than-great (aka a disaster-her) and take it all in stride...it is pretty remarkable. I sure love my husband.

So! The nesting period of my pregnancy culminated in reorganizing every closet in our house, taking several van loads to good will, washing all of our laundry, cleaning out my closet and shoe collection, and deep cleaning all the rooms in the house. I got up, and for several days, the only thing I wanted to do was organize and clean stuff. I would try to come up with an activity for the afternoon and the best thing I could come up with was, "I know! Let's clean out Mark's sock drawer!"

I thought it was cabin fever from winter and not used to being out of school, but my mom said it seemed like I was "nesting" and I thought, "oh, how funny! Since I am not even near time to have this baby, I wonder what I will be like in a few months!".

It's strange in hind sight how a lot of the time our bodies are smarter than we are, and when we are near to giving birth, these hormones (which I think are responsible for nesting?) kick in, regardless of how far along we are. In hind-site, it is good that I did this whole nesting thing, because after we got back from the hospital, I was in pain and I didn't want to move because it hurt. :-)

Luckily! The house was clean, the laundry was done, the freezer was stocked, and things were ok. We could just take time to be with family and friends, and that was a real blessing.