Cooking with Mom

While Mark was in California enjoying the lovely San Diego weather while attending JPC, I had the opportunity to spend some time in Indianapolis enjoying the lovely company of Adel while we spent a few days together stocking her freezer!  Fun, fun for everyone! :-D  And while the weather in Indy was not as delightful as in San Diego, the company couldn't have been better.

Essentially, Adel and I had a marathon cooking fest to stock her freezer with tummy friendly foods that could be easily reheated. Our first day was spent planning and shopping, and then the next few days were cooking and storing! What fun! We cooked until we were tired, and then sat around, chatted, and enjoyed one another's company. Mark's father was intrigued by what was going on, particularly since the house was so full of food...but none of it was for dinner :-) Thanks for being such a good sport while we made a huge mess of the kitchen!

I must say, it was like cooking in a fairy land...every morning, the dishes were wonderfully washed from the day before. It was so, so kind of Mike to do that for us before he went to work. I felt a little like a bum since I got to sleep in until, like, 10 every morning, then get up and cook to my hearts content while making a huge mess in the process, end the evening generally with dinner, ice cream, and a movie with Marks parents, then go off to sleep...and magically the kitchen would be all sparkly the next day ready for us to do it all over again!  

And truly, we made. So much food. Lasagna, twice baked potatoes, stuffed chicken breasts, breaded chicken fillets, spaghetti sauce, taco meat, rice pilaf, biscuits, meatball soup, stew, meat loaf, banana bread, muffins, granola bars, all of it packaged into easily reheat able meals of two and labeled with cooking instructions. It was a complete blast! Truly, I can't remember all that we made, but Adel and Mike said that it was yummy and that is what was important.

We finished just in time for Mark to come back from California, and we drove back to WL together! Thanks for letting me come and stay while Mark was gone Mom! It was so much fun! :-D 

San Diego, JPC, and the USS Midway

Mark had the opportunity to attend JPC in the beautiful Sand Diego, California. He had a very good time seeing friends and meeting people, and getting to hear about different work that is going on in his field. He got a chance to attend more sessions at this conference than previously, as he presented at an earlier session unlike Nashville :-) And, what a better location! Mark said the weather could not have been more perfect. He also said he had a lot of fun playing with friends from the lab after the conference sessions in the day. A particular highlight was also going to dinner with the Headmen family who had stopped at JPC on their way back from China Lake Naval Base after interning there for the summer.

Another super fun thing Mark got to do was attend the annual party sponsored by Moog. This year they rented the USS Midway (converted to a museum and memorial in 2004). The main hangar that runs the length of the ship beneath the flight deck and the flight deck with all of the cool historical aircraft turned into one big party consisting of food, drink, music, and nerdy aerospace engineers. :) Super fun! I wish I could have been there too! Maybe next time :-)  

Mark missed out on the tours that they were giving about the ship before the party, so he returned the next day during normal business hours to tour the rest of the ship.  I can't tell if Mark was more excited to be there, or to be able to tell his dad about being there. Mark's father loves military history, particularly WWII, and that is something Mark loves sharing with him. It was so cool! Aircraft carriers are like small cities that float in the ocean. The carrier not only displayed information from a rich military history throughout the ship, but exhibits were also presented about what life was like aboard Midway. Mark told me allll about the kitchen (or I should say kitchen-s) was I totally blown away by the sheer amount of food that was prepared and consumed. Crazy!

Magnetron Sputter Deposition System

Working with Dr. Allain and his research group after I graduated was an incredibly wonderful experience. After we lost Jaden, it was really hard for me to go back to work there, which was strange to me. There were so many emotions and memories I hadn't realized I had built there with Jaden while he was inside my tummy, and everyone had been so supportive and helpful, especially when we went to the hospital and after we lost Jaden, that every time I went into the building even, I started to cry. And if I talked to a co-worker, fuhgetaboutit, as soon as they stepped outside or I left the room, I was fighting tears. It was a very new thing, and I didn't quite know what to make of it.

I decided I needed some more time to emotionally heal, and Dr. Allain was amazingly understanding. I will never forget his understanding and kindness towards me and Mark during my time at Purdue.

The project I had been working on was completed by the other wonderful group members, and Bryan was kind enough to show me the final project one afternoon when I went in to clean up my things.

Here she is!

The top port is a special sample holder that can rotate to ensure uniform coating of the samples.  It was supposed to (more on this later) lower inline with the center of the chamber to allow the samples to be loaded and unloaded in-situ so they could be coated, irradiated, and evaluated without breaking vacuum and compromising the sample surface. The bottom ports are where the sputter guns are located. They are on the bottom so that gravity is working against them, and the material that is going to be deposited has to be attracted to the sample, and therefore won't just fall in clumps onto the sample. The goal with a system like this is to get uniform thin film coating on a sample surface. There are three sputter ports, and so you could even deposit multiple materials at once to get mixed deposition.

Here you can see the purple/blue glow of the sputter guns when they are on! aren't they BEAUTIFUL!! :-D They are plasma guns, how it works is the chamber is evacuated and then filled with argon, which is the gas that is used to make plasma. The plasma is used to sputter the target material (the coating material) off the target, and then the bias on the sample draws the sputtered material up,  toward the sample. Rotation of the sample holder helps to get uniform coating.

UNFORTUNATELY.... I learned there were problems with the sample holder that were really really bad to use like it had been designed for. Apparently, there had been parts of the holder left off the technical drawing that were not accounted for in our chamber design (cords or something), and so when everything got installed...it didn't fit right. It didn't fit! We spent some serious $$$ on this chamber (particularly the holder), and it didn't fit! When Bryan told me about that, my heart about dropped out of my stomach.  I can't even imagine what it must have been like when they took it out of the box and tried to install it, and it didn't fit.  It blows my mind. I feel terrible to not have been there to try and fix this, but so many of us had looked at the drawings, had them modeled on the computer, discussed them at group meetings before anything was ordered, in an effort to make everything work right...and...it didn't fit.

 *sigh* I still have not gotten over this.

I never got to hear the end of this story, but I hope with all my heart that it ended happily. Bryan and Miguel said not to worry about it, they had some ideas on how to fix it, and they are way more capable than I am at just about everything, so I am sure it ended well.

I still can't believe it didn't fit. :-( C'est la vie with research :-(  It can break your heart!

Black Apple Dolls

My wonderfully talented friend Joni taught me all about black apple dolls. We had a craft making adventure day and made some dollies! I am enchanted with how they turned out, and may have gotten carried away making clothes and accessories.  Their little faces are painted on, Joni was such a champ at making the perfect little eyebrows, she helped me paint on mine :-) Thanks Joni! It was so much fun!

Family Cakes

Here are a few of the cakes that I have made recently (sort of) for family. Congratulations all of you! 

Sam's Eagle Court of Honor:

Trevor's Graduation and Farewell and Eagle Court of Honor:

Happy Birthday Bianca! 

(The camera date is super wrong,  the above were done cerca 2011)

Becky's Graduation Cake:

Jasher and Jenny

WHO--RAY!!!! WHOOOOO-RAAAAAAAY!!! :-D

We were SO excited to get to see Jasher and Jenny again!! This was hands down my favorite part of the weekend :-) (No offense to seeing Huntsville and DC). We were so glad that they allowed us to come and stay with them, since basically Mark just called up Jasher and invited ourselves for a visit when we got the idea of the road trip :-). After we found out that they would be there and it was possible for us to visit, we planned the trip for over the weekend so we could hang out with the  Fowles. They are such a wonderful couple!

While we were there, they took us to the Children's Museum! Oh how I LOVE children's museums! And it was even better to go there with friends :-) It was so fun especially to watch Jasher and Mark getting all competitive at the different activities. :-)

One of our favorite areas was the building with blocks area! Jasher and Mark embarked on a tower building contest to see who could make the tallest tower. My tower was very sturdy, built Jenga style, but short. Jenny's tower was built kinda like a log cabin, but kilter-skilter, and also a little on the short side. Jasher and Mark's building styles were more elaborate...and definitely more tall :-)

Then they got the idea to couple-combine the towers to see who would be the tallest...

 Here is the lovely Jenny, modeling the log cabin building technique...

 Here is Jasher adding to the Jasher-Jenny complex :-)

 Finished product! Way to go!!

Here is a look down the center of Marks tower - super tall and super sturdy! Way to go handsome Mark!! 

Here is the combined Pfeil complex! Look at that BEAST! :-) Thing aint goin' NOwhere!

 It was pretty awesome :-) Jasher at one point said, "Wait! Were competting against two engineers! This is a biased competition!" Our tower was pretty sturdy, but top heavy. The Fowles complex was a tidge on the wobbly side, and not quite as tall as Jasher would have liked, so he strategically added a few stacks of blocks on one corner to beat Marks tower, and we snapped a picture quick before it toppled :-) Then we got to knock down our tower!  It was SO fun to play with blocks!


There were also these hydrological press toys that you could push against, and someone weak could win against someone strong. We played on these for a good long while too :-)

 Go Jenny go! :-D

Awww...! And here is my Handsome Mark, playing in the tinfoil area, with a rose for me! 

 So sweet!  He deserved a kiss :)

There was also this really cool dancing dust mote thing. I am pretty sure magic was involved in making it dance. We stood and watched for quite some time. Here is a video!

On the way home we got some DELICIOUS BBQ and spent the rest of the evening at home with the Fowles, visiting and catching up on old times. I got to help Jenny wrap christmas presents, and Mark and Jasher got to play Wii tennis and bowling and other things, it was so much fun!

The next day we got to go with them to Stake Conference. It was really great to get to spend the sabbath with people we care about. A member of Jashers stake presidency shared stories and learning experiences he had as a boy from Christmas. The stories and talk reminded me of the way President Monson teaches and tells stories and life experiences. It was a really great conference and we were glad we could attend.

Afterwards Jenny's broher brought over even MORE amazing BBQ that he had smoked. Oh. My. Goodness. It was mind bogglingly good. I love meat---SO MUCH! He also made all these magical sauces to put on the meat and the slaw, it was so tasty. It was hard to choose a favorite, but I am pretty sure that I liked the vineagar sauce the best. I am SO EXCITED to live in a part of the country with such yummy meat. Truly, my heart and stomach can hardly wait.

We were sad to have to head out on the last leg of our journey, but we were so glad that we got to spend a few days with our friends! Jenny packed us wonderful snacks. (We will definitely have to come and visit again soon! Thank you so much for letting us stay with you Jasher and Jenny! Love you guys!

Road Trip 2011!

Yay for roadtrips!! :-D This was hands down my favorite roadtrip to date, and I suspect it is because we were not moving anyplace, so our car was not loaded down with supplies and belongings. In fact, we didn't take our car at all! We took a rental and it was fabulous.

This road trip was inspired by Mark applying for the (and being accepted into) the SMART fellowship program. This is a program where you are sponsored by a DOD facility to study for a PhD, and the student agrees to intern every summer at that facility and then work at that facility after graduation 1 year for every year of support. Since this is a pretty big commitment - on the order of 7 years - we decided it would be nice to meet the people that mark could potentially be working with and see the facilities and the town. There were  2 DOD locations we were considering -- one in Huntsville, AL and the other in Washington, DC. So! We decided to take a little roadtrip - down to AL, over to NC, then up to MD and back home again!

First stop: Huntsville!
What to say about Huntsville!? I must admit, that I was quite hesitant about the prospect of living in Alabama when Mark first proposed this as a place he wanted to work. (I blame it on movies...I know, I know...embarrassing). But! As it turns out...we were enchanted with Huntsville. Its a bigger city than Lafayette (thank goodness!) but not as big as Chicago or Indy, which would have been too big. The roads are nice and wide (thank you city planning!) and the town overall was just really nice. Mark was impressed with the rich rocket heritage they have in the area as it is the birth place of NASA with the work of Wernher von Braun and his team. It was definitely super cool. Maybe more importantly, Mark also liked the people that he would be working with, and the prospect of the types of work he would be doing there. So! All in all, it was a very successful and reassuring visit and we were glad that we were able to make it together before having to make any decisions.

Second stop: Jasher and Jenny!
So much fun... this requires its own separate blog! In regards to the road trip, I will just say, surprisingly,  there is no direct interstate connection from AL to NC, unless you go up through another state (Georgia maybe?) Anyway, we took a little windy highway through the Smokey Mountains to get to Charlotte NC, and it was really fun. And...the smallest bit creepy. The thing that was strange was that all the leaves on the plants and the vines and the trees were gone. Now, yes, I do realize that leaves falling off everything is TOTALLY NORMAL for the winter... but it was just a different kind of dead forest than Mark or I were used to seeing. There were vines and undergrowth covering EVERYTHING, but it was all...dead. I don't think I have ever seen dead widespread vines like that. I was like a jungle...but dead. Like a big, heavy, blanket of deadness draped over the trees and everything. I kept thinking, "so this is it...this is what happened to Rip van Winkle..."

But, you can't judge a place by winter, you just can't! :-) We were really impressed with all the little rafting and camping places that we saw along the way, it looked like there were lots and lots of fun things to do outdoors, and that is something that Mark and I both enjoy and have missed living in IN :-)

Third stop: DC!
After a COMPLETLY lovely weekend with Jasher and Jenny, we drove on up to DC. It was a really fun drive! I had never been through that part of the country, and I was struck by how often we crossed into a new state. TOTALLY AWESOME! It felt like were were making such progress in our road trip! Striking difference than driving  through TX and NM when you will drive for DAYS is seems and are STILL in the same state. *sigh*

We were fortunate enough to have been invited to stay with the family of one of the people in the group Mark was interviewing with, and they were members! They had suspected that we were members since Mark had put on his resume his two year mission trip to Ecuador.   It was so lovely to meet them and to stay with them in their home with their three great kids. They let us stay in their mother-in-law suite and encouraged us to go out and visit DC the night after mark interviewed, and gave us a wonderful perspective of what it was like to raise a family in the DC area. I will admit...it was too big for my taste. I started to cry/hyperventilate in the traffic. I don't do well in high stress car situations, I am such a pain as a passenger, and I felt bad for poor Mark who had to drive. It did not bode well for living near Marks work, and we were not too excited about the idea of a several hour commute to work. It made me appreciate more all the sacrifices my Dad makes so that we could live near family while he worked in Los Alamos.

That night, we decided to take their advice and go sight seeing in the city. So glad we did! Since mark was interviewing until pretty late, we took the subway into the city and took a night bus tour of the mall. It was so fun!

We got to see the US Capitol, Kennedy Center, Library of Congress, Supreme Court, House and Senate Office Buildings, Federal Triangle, Pennsylvania Avenue, The White House, Capitol Reflecting Pool, Georgetown and Iwo Jima Memorial.

We got to get off and walk around to visit: The Jefferson, Lincoln, Vietnam, Korean and FDR Memorials. They were AMAZING. Here are some photos!

The Jefferson memorial was by FAR my favorite to visit. When we were there, it was starting to rain, and for a while Mark and I were the only people in there. It was almost a sacred place, it is hard to describe, but the spirit was really strong.

On the walls of the memorial are engraved words penned by Thomas Jefferson, and they are beautiful. When I read them, I got goose bumps.

God who gave us life gave us liberty. Can the liberties of a nation be secure when we have removed a conviction that these liberties are the gift of God? Indeed I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just, that His justice cannot sleep forever. Commerce between master and slave is despotism. Nothing is more certainly written in the book of fate than these people are to be free. Establish the law for educating the common people. This it is the business of the state to effect and on a general plan."
                       — Thomas Jefferson

How can any American deny that our forefathers believed in God and Liberty from the overpowering hand of government when their words, and God's name, are etched in our memorials and government buildings?

Several walls had inscriptions penned by Jefferson or taken from the declaration of independence, and they were all wonderful. 

 

Here is handsome Mark on the steps outside the Jefferson Memorial! 

 

It was SO great to have the opportunity to visit so many memorials and monuments. We were sad that we didn't have time to visit more, but we are so grateful for what we did get to see! 

I wish that all Americans could have the opportunity to visit these memorials. I have to admit, I had no idea what it would be like, and I hope that we can take our kids there some day. So great!

The trip back to IN was breathtaking. The rolling hills and farm land and little towns of Penselvania were so picturesque. So so pretty. I am so amazed by how much variety there is in this nation of ours, and I feel blessed to have the opportunity to visit the areas that we have.

Leah!

My first (and consequently only) roommate in college was a wonderful girl named Leah. She is awesome, and I am so glad we were able to become friends. She is from LA and we were assigned as roommates since we both decided to do luck-of-the-draw when we went to the dorms. Man, those people who match individuals up based on interests for roommate pairs did an awesome job. When we were unpacking our stuff, I was loading my books into the bookshelf on one side of the room, and she was loading some of the same books into her bookshelf on the other side of the room. We had also both signed up for the same class! Now, you might not think this was significant as  college freshmen tend to take similar basic courses. However.  This was not a core class.  It was an elective. And out of the thousands of students that enrolled that semester,  only 12 were in this particular class...and one of them happened to be my room mate. AWESOME!

Anyway, I bring this up now because my wonderful roommate leah did us the honor of stopping by and visiting on her way out to a new job in Boston. Leah is so awesome. She has some true wanderlust in her blood and is crazy brave and adventuresome. She is a great example of loving life for the journey and accepting any challenges that come her way in stride. I loved being her room mate and getting to spend time talking with her. We even did institute choir together, even though leah is not a member of the church. I loved it when Leah would come home with me to have dinner with my family. Ah, good times and great memories.

Anyway! Thanks for stopping by Leah and good luck in your new job!

The Ants Go Marching...

... 1 by 1...

..hurrah, hurrah

The ants go marching 1 by 1,

HURRAH! HURRAH!

The ants go marching 1 by 1,

the little one stops to suck his thumb,

and they all go marching

..out

...of the drain

...to get into the house

boom, boom, boom, boom!

boom, boom, boom, boom!

The Ants go marching 1,290,806 by 1,290,806

hurrah, hurrah

The ants go marching 1,290,806 by 1,290,806

HURRAH! HURRAH!

The ants go marching 1,290,806 by 1,290,806

the little one stops to pick up sticks

and they all go marching

..out

...of the drain

...to get into the house

Yes, we were indeed invaded by ants. And not just a few scavenger ants. No, we got the "swarmer" ants too. The giant, scary, huge, ants, with wings, and swarm out of the bathroom vent every night and then die. We find there carcasses littered around the bathroom every morning.

Disgusting.

I was so disgusted that I planned my potty breaks to coincide with shopping, work, church functions, anything so that I could avoid going into the bathroom. The pictures do not do it justice...but I was too afraid to get any closer to take pictures, and there is no zoom on my cell phone.

We tried all the home remedies and commercially available ant traps for all kinds of ants. Finally I convinced Mark to let me call the land lord. Our land lord called the bug people and they sent the bug guy out the next day. I love calling the land lord!

The ants were gone within 3 days, and I could once again go potty in peace.

My Mom and Sister

We had been keeping our families updated, and my mom said, "you let me know when you want me to come, and I will be on my way".

I am so grateful for my Mom. I felt bad asking her to come, but it meant so, so much to have her here. Mark was really glad she came too. It was a huge relief and wonderful to have people here with us.

My mom stopped in Texas on her way to Indiana, and my sister Kiora and her two kids chio and alex came to visit us also.

I can't stress enough how much of a comfort it was to have them here. My Mom and sister were heaven sent.

I felt really spoiled. It is always a strange mix of emotions when there is a death in the family, because it is so nice to see everyone, but it is sad the reason that they came, you know? We were really glad that the kids came along also. Mark really liked playing on the wii with alex. Chio and I painted fingernails together. It was so, so nice.

I was totally surprised at how much I hurt. It was very strange. I had just had a baby...but I didn't have my baby. It seemed like I should be able to do things like normal. Not the case. I really, really loved the pain pills they gave me. I hadn't taken any at the hospital, so I filled the perscription they gave me but I didn't take the pills at first. Then we went shopping on the way home from the hospital and I went in with Mark and walked around...big mistake. I started hurting bad and didn't think I could make it to the front of the store again. It was really funny. I seriously contemplated asking Mark to get me one of the mechanized carts they have at the front of the store. I was like,"uh...Mark? I think we're gonna have to hang out here by the milk for a while...I can't move. I think my guts are dying" My mom said it was most likely from being bed ridden for over a week. It was really, really strange.

My mom made delicious and wonderful food for us. So, so wonderful to have my mom cook for us. I have said before, but I will say it again: my mom's food has magical properties. She even cooked lots of food for us to put in the freezer so we didn't starve when she left. I have the best family in the world, I don't know how I got so lucky. They washed the dishes, they did laundry, and they were both patient while our pluming went nuts.

Oh, the plumbing. Mark and I thought it was funny, but only because we were not there when water started shooting out of the toilet when the washing machine went into the spin cycle. And apparently, we have ants that live in our heating vents, and when the water dripped down into the heating vents in our bathroom floor, it angered the masses of ants who then started coming out in droves. I came home and was like, "uh...why is there a ring of towels in the bathroom, where did all these ants come from....and why is everyone taking a nap?" It was a pretty exciting afternoon I take it. We had left to go to the funeral home and take care of some details. Luckily, our land lord is awesome and someone came and fixed the plumbing right away. We only had to strategically plan grocery store trips to use the restroom for one day!

One of the things that I will cherish forever is the scrap book they made of the photos taken of Jaden at the hospital. I wrote the words to put on the pages, and picked out the pictures, and they put everything together. We stayed up late one night and talked and glued and cut. My sister Iwalani participated via skype. It was very theraputic, and I love love love to look through the book they made.

Thank you so much for the time you took to stay with Mark and me. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I know it was a huge sacrifice and it must have been tiring, but it meant so much to Mark and I. Thank you, thank you, thank you. A million million and forever. :-)

The Memorial Service

We had a memorial service for Jaden on Friday, January 21, 2011 at the Tippecanoe Memory Gardens. The funeral home and cemetery were extremely generous and helpful in providing a way for us to bury our son. It was really important to us to have a place for his remains to be laid to rest, and there were so many people who helped us through that process.

I was worried that people would be sad if they came to the service, but my mom told me that it was part of the grief process, and it was better to let people know about it so they could make the decision to come or not on their own. I really didn't think that very many people would come, since it was on a Friday afternoon, and I knew people had to work, but I thought my mom was right.

We brought a few things to set up for the memorial service so that people could see how handsome our little boy is!:

There were beautiful flowers in the memorial center when we arrived, and at first I was really confused. We didn't know what to do with them and thought that they were there for someone else, but the cards on them said they were for us. They were so pretty. One of them was sent from my professor Dr. Allain.

About 20 minutes before it was supposed to start, people started coming. And coming. And coming. I was completely overwhelmed by how many people came to the service.

So many people came, family and friends, that there was not enough room in the small chapel at the cemetery. It made me cry so much to see all the people there (I had determined that I was going to be brave and not cry...that lasted about 5 minutes). Marks parents came. His aunts and uncles and cousins came. My mom and sisters came. Both of Mark's advisers came. Several of his lab mates came. My adviser, and several of my lab mates came. Kelly drove up from Lebanon. Alisha and Jeff drove up from around Indy. Rick mark's friend from Chicago came. Most all of the members of our branch came. Brother and sister Boss came. Amanda and Brian came. Chase and Joni came, the list goes on and on, I was so overwhelmed by how many people were there I was embarrassed all over again.

Amanda called that morning and asked if there was anything she could do to help, and I asked her if she would play a song on the violin for us. I hadn't really thought about it, but when she called and asked, that sounded like the best thing in the world. She also offered to bring her keyboard and play music while we sang the opening song, "He sent His son". I could sit and listen to Amanda play on the violin for days. She is incredibly gifted. The song she played was one she had composed for her Grandfathers funeral. It is a melody of gospel hymns, and it lifted my heart.

Later, Brian told me that when he walked into the chapel that morning, he felt like he was walking into the celestial room. He said the people whispering, the spirit of peace there...it was just like being in the temple. He said he was really glad that Jaden could do that for us. I was so touched to hear him say that.

Mark asked Preside Low to conduct the service, and we asked him to read a few words we had written and then say anything else that he felt like. Brother Boss gave the opening prayer. I wanted to share the memorial we wrote for Jaden.

"Jaden Pfeil

The journey through life of all children rarely takes the course their parents expect. With our Jaden, while the duration was not what we had anticipated, its destination is all we could have hoped for. We have not lost our son; we know where he can be found. He has been called home to Heaven.

Jaden was a brave baby. What a wonderful mission he had as an older brother. He came to earth and made it possible for future brothers and sisters to have a better chance at living.

His body was perfect, and his heart was strong. He has 10 tiny fingers, and 10 perfect toes. He had a vigor uncommon in babies so small; he was his daddies little boy. He loved his mommy, and did his best to comfort her with his sweet kicks and beautiful heartbeats.

While his body may have been small, his spirit was big enough to fill our hearts. We held him in our arms for a few hours, but we will carry him in our hearts always. He has been a highlight in our lives. We love him, we miss him like crazy, he will always be our precious little Jaden .

We chose the name Jaden for our little boy because of its meaning: God is Listening.

Our Heavenly Father loves little children, watches over them, and cares for them. When they return to him, it is for a special purpose that we may not understand. And while we feel the loss of the time we wished to spend with him, we do not doubt that God listened to our prayers, and the prayers offered on our behalf, for a special little boy.

God continues to listen and answer us with the comfort and hope that comes from a Loving Heavenly Father who knows the pain of losing a first born child, as he lost his son so that all children could live again. What comfort there is to know that “…the grave hath no victory, and the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ.” (Mosiah 16:8).

Because of Christ’s atonement, we do not feel death’s sting in Jaden’s passing. Yes, our hearts ache as we long to hold our baby and grieve for the future we had envisioned with him, but we do not despair. We know we will see him again. We know that through his birth, our family has still gained a son.

We rejoice in the temple covenants that seal us as a family and can allow us to be with Jaden again. We rejoice in Christ’s victory over death that will allow Jaden to have a perfected body. We rejoice in the time we did get to spend with him, and look forward to the day when we can hold him again. "

After that, President Low talked about the resurrection and the life and mission of Christ, and how what he did takes away the pain and sting of death. After that we went to Jaden's grave side for the dedication of his grave, offered by Mark's dad. After that, we said goodbye to everyone and had lots of more hugs. After most people went home, a group of family stayed for his enterment.

We invited Marks familyand Mark's friend Rick to come back to our house for lunch. My wonderful and amazing mom and sister made pot roast and salad and cake for us to eat. We spent the rest of the afternoon with family.

I was a really hard day, but a beautiful one. The sun was shinning. I think Jaden would have liked that. I know I did! The days before and the days after were all snowy and drissly...but that day, we saw the sun.

Here is a pitcture of the headstone we picked out for Jaden!

I think he would have liked the puppy and the tree too :-)

Mourn with those who mourn, and comfort those who stand in need of comfort

The wonderful counselor at the hospital explained the mourning process to me like this: "When you lose a child, you mourn their future". Those words really made sense. It was ok that we felt sad, and we could feel sad for however long was right for us.

I am so grateful to the people in my life who mourned with us, prayed for us, and comforted us when we needed it. All the visits, all the dinners, all the notes, and flowers, and emails. To all of you...thank you. I don't know if you can ever comprehend how much it meant to us.

Every time we got a call, or a visit, or an email, or a letter in the mail, or beautiful flowers, I was overwhelmed by tenderness and compassion. I read and re-read all the cards and emails. I cried a lot. I stuck everything I could in an album, and over the months after we lost Jaden, I would look over them and be touched all over again.

The Connolly family, who had lost two children, stopped by and brought us some wonderful books that I recommend to anyone who has lost a child. My favorite is "Angel Children" by Mary J. Hill. They came over several times, and would let me show them his pictures, and talk about him. Sister Leaming also came over, and let me show her his pictures, and she made me feel so loved. My wonderful friend Amanda came over, talked to me on the phone, and brought me hot chocolate. She would just let me tell her about Jaden, cry when I needed to, and just be a wonderful friend. What an amazing support system of family and friends Mark and I have been blessed with.

For me, it was really healing to tell people about Jaden. He was important to me, and even though he passed away, I really wanted people to know him as much as they could. Mark grieved differently, and mostly in private. I remember many times we would just hug each other, and cry. Mark is not too much of a crier though...but don't worry, I compensated in those cry sessions :-) I'm helpful like that.

We are so, so blessed with so many wonderful people in our lives who reached out to us and supported us. Especially my mother and sister, who came out and spent a few weeks with us and were there for Jadens memorial service.

I could go on for pages and pages with account and examples of service of those who went out of their way to help us.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Our Stay in the Hospital

We stayed for a little over a week in the IU hospital, surrounded by the most wonderful and supportive doctors and nurses and staff. There was such a difference between people who deal with high risk pregnancies, and people who deal with normal pregnancies. I really appreciated how they told me things without sugar coating it. They answered my questions honestly and openly. My favorite nurse was named Betsy. I also really liked Kim and Ashleigh. My wonderful nurses helped turn my hospital room into a haven. From the moment I went into the IU room, I felt a warmth and safety that gave me strength and hope.

When I think of my time in the hospital, I will always think of my nurses who helped make something that could have been the worst experience of my life thus far, into a peaceful and loving experience. They were so great. And when it was time for Jaden to come to their earth, they were so thoughtful, and helped Mark and I make memories with him that we can cherish always.

They showered us with keepsakes we could take with us: feet prints, hand prints, plaster molds of his little hands and feet, a box to keep his ultrasounds and heart beat profiles in, pictures of the time we got to spend with him in the hospital, and many many more things. It was so, so great to have something tangible to remember him.

The only way I can think to explain it is through this story: my first roommate in college wanted to be a doctor. She volunteered at the university hospital, and over the course of that first semester, she decided that she wanted to be a nurse instead. I asked her why, and she told me "nurses help people. doctors help patients."

I didn't really understand what she meant until I had to stay in the hospital myself. I really appreciated my nurses for helping me as a person.

Here are some pictures of the things they sent home with us:

I am so grateful for the people who made all these things and gave them to the hospital to help out families in hard situations. The little clothes and blanket that Jaden got to wear were hand made by volunteers. What a difference it made to have something to dress our son in, to keep him warm with. We had felt so helpless, our son was coming, and naturally we didn't have anything he could wear. What a difference it made to have something he could wear, something that fit him, something we could wrap him in and keep him warm while we held him in our arms for the few hours we were able to spend with him on earth. How HUGE a thing it was for us. I wonder if those volunteers ever will know how much it meant. Maybe it's just me, but there have been several times when I have participated in making things to take to hospitals and shelters and at the time, I always thought, "what is a little blanket going to do? Really?" Now, I know. Oh how I know, I know, I know. It makes a difference. It makes a huge difference.

When we went to the hospital, we came empty. When we left, we were full. Full of joy, full of sadness, full of appreciation, full of love, and full of humility. It was a complicated mix of emotions, but I would not trade it for anything.

Sweet Baby Jaden, January 17, 2011

I wrote this email the evening of January 17, and sent it to our family and friends whom we had told we were expecting. Most of our friends who live out of town we were waiting to tell we were expecting until we had found out the gender. Under the circumstances, we never had the chance to tell them since the day we had our first ultrasound was the day we were admitted to the hospital.

""To our loved ones, family, and friends,

Thank you all for your love, support, prayers, and thoughts. Jaden Pfeil was born at 4:08 am on Monday January 17th, 2011 at the Indiana University Hospital. He weighed 13.6 oz and was 10.5 inches long. He had a good, strong heart, but because his lungs were so underdeveloped and his body was too small to permit treatment, he passed away after miraculously spending 3 hours with us. Because I have a weak cervix, I could not carry him full term. However, his birth alerted us all to this condition and he has made it possible for future brothers and sisters to come to earth safely. We are so blessed to have such a brave, special child and to have spent so much time with him while he was on earth. He was a very, very brave baby.

While in the womb, Jaden liked to kick and tease mommy (with daddy egging him on), his favorite food was crunchy tacos and he hated milk chocolate. Whenever mommy would have a hard day and cry, he would kick a lot :o) which always made her feel better. Even in the hospital, under very difficult times, he would keep kicking to let us know he was still fighting. He even liked to kick the ultrasound monitor! :o) Jaden helped me keep up the courage and strength to help him grow a little bigger and stronger everyday until it was time for him to come out. He was still a fighter after his birth, and could move around a little. The doctors told us that he was perfect, and in great health, he was just too small to live on his own.

He was born under the covenant, and we have faith that if we keep the covenants we have made, we will have the chance to be an eternal family and see Jaden again.
He was a fighter, a sweetheart, and our precious little boy. We are very luck to be his parents.

Thank you all so much, and may God bless.

Love,

Mark, Teandra and Jaden."

Jaden had fulfilled his mortal mission, was born, and returned to heaven soon after. He was able to receive "the crown without the conflict". How humbled and proud we are to be blessed with such a wonderful son. The time we spent with him in the hospital was precious. There was a sweet spirit there, and I know that were more people in the room than just Mark, his parent, Jaden and me. The veil was a little thinner that day.

The nurses said that Jaden had passed away after an hour, but Mark felt that he was still alive and kept asking them to check to be sure, and they took him away to clean him up. A few minutes later Ashleigh rushed back super flustered and said after she washed him, she saw that he was still alive so she rushed him back to spend more time with us. He lived for two more hours before he passed on, and Mark's mom said she could feel him leave.

I am so glad that we could spend so much time with him. I am glad that Mark and I were able to be together alone for most of the day, and say goodbye.

Jaden's mortal experience was different from what I was expecting it to be, but it was right for him. And it was right for us. I know Jaden needed a body. He needed to have parents. I am so glad that we could do that for him, and that we will have a chance to raise him, if we are faithful, some day in the future.

And what a handsome little guy he is!

The Trip to Indy

The next morning, the Drs checked me out, told me that not much had changed over the night, and there were basically two options ahead of us:

1) There was a possibility that they could do a procedure to stitch the cervix more closed and help the baby go full term. It was extreemly risky, and the Drs there would not be willing to do it. We could go to Indy, to the IU high risk Drs, and have them make a decision since they deal with high risk pregnancies like this all the time.

or

2) We could go home, accept that this pregnancy was over, and let the baby come when he would.

The Drs left us alone so we could talk about it and make a decision. Mark and I talked about it, prayed about it, and we both felt like it was the best thing to do to try everything we could for our baby.

So! The transfer arrangements were made, an ambulance was called, and off I went to the IU hospital. Mark drove separately, and I was really, really scared to go by myself. When they lifted me onto the stretcher thing and started to wheel me to the back of the car, I thought I was doing good to stay calm. After I said good bye to Mark though...I was less brave. They slamed the doors closed, and as we pulled out onto I-65, I started to hyperventilate.

Oh Great, I thought, just what I needed, a panic attack. Must stay calm, must stay calm. Staaaaaay caaaaaaalm....

It is easier said than done though. Despite my best intentions at yoga breathing, it was not working. To make matters worse, there was a person in the back of the ambulance with me, so in addition to freaked out, uncomfortable, and scared, I was (irrationally) embarrassed. It was a pretty complicated mix of emotions.

Finally, in an effort to remain calm I tried to think of the words of hymns. The only problem was I could not get through a single verse of any hymn or primary song, and I tried 5 or 6 before giving up. I could get about 8 words in before going blank, and not even remembering the tune. After that, I was even more freaked out because, in addition to everything else, I was losing my mind. Then I thought of a mix of scriptures (I was a little panicked, so nothing was a direct quote) along the lines of that this experience would be for my good, and that God would not ask me to do something without His help. That helped me to calm down, and then then I remembered the words of the blessing extremely clear:

You will be able to carry this baby as long as needed.

I clung to that thought. I could carry this baby as long as needed. As long as needed. Whatever that time frame was, I trusted God, and I knew I could do it. If he needed to come now, then he could; if not, then we would both fight through this for as long as we needed. I repeated that phrase to myself over and over and over, You can carry this baby as long as needed, you can carry this baby as long as needed. I felt peace flood through me. You can carry this baby as long as needed.

I fell asleep with those words on my mind.

When we got to Indy, they took me on a stretcher to my room. Dr. G came in, and he had me explain to him what happened. They brought in an ultrasound monitor, checked out the baby, and he examined me. Then he explained the situation to me and Mark.

There was too much liquid out of the uterus for him to do the surgery. If they tried to push them back in, there is a chance that they could break, and that would induce labor and we would lose the baby for sure. The best thing was to wait it out, and see what happened.

He told me that he had had ladies in my condition stay like this until they were full term. Others went a few weeks, and others a few days. There was really no way to tell. We were content with waiting it out, and seeing what happened.

Mark emailed my professor Dr. Allain and told him what happened. He also emailed his adviser's and teachers (this was the first day of the spring semester) and explained the situation to them. Everyone was extremely supportive and said that the most important thing was for him to be with me and his son in the hospital. He could work from there, watch his lecture on line, and scan and submit his homework on line.

Mark was able to stay with me and work from the hospital room. Oh how glad I was that mark could stay with me!

So! We had officially set up camp in the IU hospital. It was a great place to be. I nurses and staff were incredible. I was pretty comfortable, Mark was comfortable, and we were in a holding pattern to see what would happen with our sweet little boy!

First Night at the Hospital

I had a very important experience in the hospital that first night. It was a difficult and humbling experience, but it provided a basis from which to grow. It was the beginning of a string of experiences I would have during my stay in the hospital that deepened my understanding of what a mothers love is. It also opened my eyes to what death and loss and mourning are, to what the purpose of the comforter is, to how precious our temple covenants are, and to what a glorious knowledge the plan of salvation truly is.

The first night at the hospital was physically and emotionally the hardest. Physically, of course I hurt (I will spare you the details). Emotionally, I also hurt: the day before, everything seemed so fine, so safe. Mark and I were expecting parents, then sudenly we were...something else, but what I wasn't sure. It was all so new and it had happened so fast.

I remember in what seemed like the darkest, hardest part of the night, when I was so physically and emotional tired, and drained, and weary, I asked God:

If we are supposed to lose the baby... could he please come soon so I can be spared all this pain?

Then, I felt Jaden kick.

As I realized the implications of what I had just asked for, I recoiled in shock and guilt. I started to cry all over again. This time, it was for my own selfishness, not because I was scared.

Ask that my baby die so that I could have a few more days of comfort?! What the heck kind of person am I?!

It was the most selfish thing I could possibly have wanted. After I thought about it like that, I didn't care how much I hurt. I realized just how much I loved that baby. I knew, without a doubt, that I would go through any amount of pain, if that is what it took to keep him alive. In fact, it didn't really matter if he was going to make it or not.

He was my son. I was going to fight it out for him, whatever the outcome.

From that moment on, my pain seemed less. It is incredible how much will and perspective can change a situation, especially when pain is involved. My perspective changed from when will this end? to I am doing this for my Jaden. I think it was also a blessing of the spirit in response to my change in faith and attitude. I felt peace and calmness flood through me. I put my hand on my tummy, and felt Jaden kick again. This time, I smiled.

Hang in there little guy, I thought to him, your mommy is here for you.

For the rest of the night, I slept as much as I could, and when I got scared, I put my hand on my belly and felt for Jaden's kicks. If he was fighting, so could I. He needed me, and I was the only person who could help him through this.

As I look back, I think maybe I needed to spend time in the hospital more than Jaden needed to. I treasure the time I had there, so very, very much. That may sound bad, and it may be hard for people to understand. It's not that I would have picked to have been there; its more that if I needed to go through this, there was nothing possible that could have happened better. My experience was filled to overflowing with tender mercies. It confirmed to me once again that my Heavenly Father loves me. And more than that, he knows me. He knows my weaknesses and my insecurities. He knew what would be hardest for me, and over and over again He provided for me in a tender and loving way. He knew that I would need time to think, and adjust, and learn, and grow. He knew I needed to spend quite time with Jaden in the hospital. He knew I neeed to be there with Doctors for when I had questions, to not have any regrests that we had done all we could. He knew I needed time to really think and reflect on what it meant to be a mother. My time in the hosptial was about Jaden. His mortal experience was different than what I thought it was going to be, but most of the time motherhood isnt about what is best for the mom; its about sacrifice, and doing what is best for the child, even when it is hard. I needed to think through that, to enjoy what I could for what it was. Yes, it was a special, sacred experience. Jaden needed parents. He needed a body and to come to earth.  I am eternally grateful to be his mother. I look forward to when I can get to know him, to hug him, to hold him.  I look forward to the resurection when Jaden will be called forth from the grave. I want to live in such a way that I can be there for that. I can't help thinking about Jaden now without thinking about Easter and the incredible gift that our Savior has provided for us.

Finding out there was a problem

A few days after the nesting madness came to a peak, I went in to work to help Dr. Allain grade final reports and process grades to submit for the end of the semester.

After I finished, I was working on a few things for my project (looking into ordering pieces for the magnetron deposition chamber I was designing), but I just didn't feel right. My guts felt strange, and finally I asked if I could go home. Dr. Allain said of course I could go home, and he suggested that I call my Dr.

I went home, and I called the Dr office, but all the nurses were out. Since I had seen my Dr. the day before and told her that my guts were feeling weird and she said not to worry about it, the receptionist said that most likely things were fine, but that I could call back when the nurses came back from lunch. I didn't call back.

I didn't really feel better the next day, or the day after. On Monday night, I started spotting a little. It was still within what the Dr. said was ok, but I just felt like I needed to call the dr. right then. I called the Dr, and the office set up an appointment for me to go have my first ultrasound moved up from later that week on thursday to the next morning on tuesday.

The receptionist told me to go to the appointment with a full baldder, so by-golly I drank 3 full sized glasses of water and we drove to the appointment. That was a very bad idea. Since we were an emergency appointment, we had to wait for 2 hours to see the technitian...and my bladder suffered the whole time. I could not sit down I had to pee so bad. At last they called us to go back, and they started the ultrasound.

Keep in mind that the poor ultrasound technicians are not allowed to tell you anything when you go in to your appointment, you have to wait for anything official to come from a Dr or a nurse. Our technician was really nice, and pointed out to us things like the heart and the head and that we were having a boy (yay!) and to us, everything seemed fine and dandy. After a while, she said that I could go to the bathroom. Overjoyed to get to go potty, I went to the bathroom. That was when I first became aware that something was really, really wrong. I walked slowly back to the ultrasound room, found the technician, and explained to her as best I could what had happened.

She was not allowed to say anything to me, so she sat me down on a chair in the hallway to wait while she called the Drs office and let a nurse explain the situation to me. So that was what I did. I sat in the chair, confused, held the phone with trembling hands, and listened while the nurse explained. I was fully dilated and I needed to go to the hospital immediately.

It is very strange when you get news like that. I am so glad Mark was there with me. I was scared, and I was confused. We headed to the hospital. As we drove, I clutched the printouts of the ultrasound that the nurse gave me, gazed at the beautiful profile of the miracle that was growing inside of me, and cried. Mark held my hand and smiled, "I'm so proud of you," he told me, "you're doing a great job, and it'll be ok." I smiled back as best I could, and dried my tears. "You can be brave!" he said, "you can be brave for our little boy". Basically, I married the most wonderful, supportive, optimistic man in the world. I love him with all my heart, and I can't imagine life without him.

It was slow going as we drove to the hospital. We were having a terrible winter storm that day so the roads were miserable. It was snowy and freezing rain-y and more snowy so visibility was poor and it was a slippery mess. Not only is Mark a wonderfully supportive husband, he has nerves of steel. During that ride to the hospital, Mark continued to smiled and tell me over and over that he loved me, that I was doing a great job, and that he was proud of me. I told him that I was scared, but that I would do my best to be brave. Besides, getting upset would only make whatever was happening worse.

"Good thing I am wearing my grown up jewelry" I told him. :-) We laughed.

See, I have a beautiful necklace that I purchased at a jewelry party my wonderful friend Amanda Baer had. It was a big deal to me that Mark said I could get whatever piece of jewelry I wanted at the party, so it was a momentous occasion. We are poor college kids, so this was the most expensive piece of jewelry I have ever purchased (which means it was more than $5, so the ceiling was pretty low). I completely love this necklace. I tell you this now, only so you understand what I mean by "my grown up jewelry". The beautiful necklace I purchased was dubbed my grown up jewelry, and I only wore it on special occasions. Since I felt like I needed some extra help to be brave when I went to the ultrasound that morning, around my neck the grow-up jewelry went to buoy my bravery. :-) I could be a big girl. I could be brave. I had on grown up jewelry. :-)

When we got to the hospital, we walked carefully up, got put into a wheelchair by the nurses, and were admitted. My regular Dr. happened to be the Dr on call that day, and she came and checked me out. Then she explained the situation we were facing.

I had a weak cervix, and the weight of the baby had caused it to thin and dilate early. The membranes that keep the baby inside in its liquid was starting to come out, and over 50% of the liquid volume was outside of the uterus. The baby was still in the womb, he was still doing fine, but things were not good. She told me that people from the NICU were going to come over and explain to me about premature babies.

When the NICU nurses came, they explained to us the weight limitations for helping preemie babies. If the babies are too little, the tubes would not fit insides of them. Jaden was 2 weeks before the developmental stage where he could live outside the womb, and if he came now, there was no chance that he could live on his own, and they would not be able to help him. If he could stay inside for 2 more weeks and then be born, there was a 5% chance that he could live a normal life, but most likely he would have some kind of developmental problems.

Its staggering when you hear news like this. The two weeks they talked about seemed like an eternity, and even then it was going to be an uphill battle for out little guy, possibly for the rest of his life.

While we waited in the hospital while senior drs came and examined me and conferred with my normal dr, Mark called around to friends of ours to see if anyone was able to come and give me a blessing. I am so glad that Trevor, a friend of Marks from work, was able to leave work, brave the terrible weather, drive down to the hospital on the other side of town, and help mark give me a blessing.

Oh, that blessing. It was my beacon of comfort so many times during my stay at the hospital. I am so grateful for worthy priesthood holders who are able to give blessings of counsel, comfort, and healing. The parts that gave me the most comfort were 1) that I was not to have guilt, 2) that I had done nothing to cause this, and 3) that I would be able to carry the baby for as long as needed.

Later during our stay at the hospital, the Drs confirmed several times that nothing I had done had caused this to happen. They stressed over and over that I shouldn't start thinking, "if only I had not gone on a walk," or "what if I had just sat around instead of cleaning the past few weeks?" It was relieving to hear them say this, just like it was relieving to hear what I had been told in the blessing, because I had a surprising amount of guilt. Guilt for not 'being a better mother', for not being able to keep the baby full term, or something along those lines.

Irrational guilt, yes, but strong guilt nonetheless.

The Drs said we could stay the night and they would reevaluate the situation in the morning. They tipped me back and had me lie flat with my head low and my feet up. While we waited out the evening until it was late enough to try going to bed, Mark and I looked on the internet to find a name for our son. I asked that he look at the names with significant meanings. We looked at lots and lots of names, and the one I loved the moment I heard it was Jaden, which means "Jehovah has heard", or (according to several websites), "God is listening."

Jaden Pfeil. Our son. God is listening, and our baby boy is in His hands.

I knew that God had heard our prayers to have children. I knew that Jaden was our answer. I knew I had received a blessing of the priesthood for the healing of the sick. Whatever happened, I felt that everything was going to be ok.

'Ok' in my mind, did not mean that Jaden had to live.

'Ok', to me, meant that God's will would be done, and whatever it was, that was what I wanted to happen.

After a while, Mark and I said our evening prayers together, read together, and Mark got the couch ready for him to sleep on. Oh, how I love my husband.